Frank: Mark, one of the essential elements of good character is kindness and it is this aspect of character that I want to discuss with you. An act of kindness – the conscious choice to do good - is never wasted and can take on a life of its own. A kind act not only brings pleasure to the one extending it but is often paid forward by those receiving it. There is a saying that if you want to change the world, start with one act of kindness.
I am reminded that kindness was the characteristic that allowed Abraham’s servant to choose Rebecca to be the wife of his son Isaac. In Genesis 24:1-9, Abraham sends his servant to find a bride for Isaac. The servant notices that Rebekah shows kindness by offering to draw water for the servant’s camels at the well and so the servant meets Rebekah’s family and takes Rebekah to Isaac who then marries her. Because of kindness displayed by Rebekah, she becomes a progenitor of the Jewish faith beginning as the mother of Jacob.
Kindness played a significant role in my medical profession when dealing with
giving a patient unexpected bad news. I remember numerous times when I had to tell
a pregnant patient that her unborn child had a significant anomaly and then explain
what that meant for her unborn child. I realized that this finding would have a
devastating effect on my patient and wanted to display as much compassion and
kindness as possible in explaining what we found. I would often invite my patient and
her spouse to join me in my office away from the noise and activities of our clinic
environment. I would delicately show them the ultrasound exam, explaining in
considerable detail what was found and what it meant and then listened as they asked
their questions. I would often reach out for my patient’s hand to add an element of
human touch. Demonstrating kindness with words and touch is one of the most
essential elements of human interaction and can help in reducing emotional pain as
well as bringing a measure of comfort and peace.
Mark, I am quite certain that in your line of work, kindness played an enormous part
in your relationships with congregants, especially in their times of grief. How would
you conduct this role of bringing kindness into the lives of those who needed it the
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most?
Mark: Frank, there is a quote I love that goes like this: Kindness is the one thing you
cannot give away; it always comes back to you. I believe this to be mostly true.
When I elected to become a member of the clergy, I made the commitment to love
my congregants, no matter what. I made the commitment to pastor to them in any and
all circumstances, with only extremely rare exceptions.
The greatest act of kindness I can offer people as their rabbi is to try not to judge
them, but instead, to always attempt to love them. This means that in the sanctuary of
my office, within that sacred space, I will listen to them with compassion, empathy
and intentionality, without rendering my thoughts, feelings, concerns, or judgements,
unless and until they ask for them.
My job is to grant them the safest of spaces to unburden their hearts, whether those
concerns involve personal challenges or professional struggles, marital woes,
concerns about their children, fears of illness or worries about a devastating
diagnosis. That is the greatest act of kindness I can offer them.
A dear friend of mine still painfully recalls the time he met with his rabbi, decades
ago, to confess a moral transgression. He went to gain support and solace; what he
received instead were condescension and condemnation. That is not the rabbi I
wanted to be.
That is not to imply that I would not offer counsel or advice, or the wisdom of our
tradition for a congregant to consider. But life is neither clean nor simple: we
stumble, we struggle, we fail, we err in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds. At
those times, we lean on our faith and our faith leaders for support, for a kind ear to
listen and for words of gentleness and comfort. Not always, not in every instance, but
certainly, in most of them.
Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid has a single index card thumbtacked to the wall
behind his desk. There are just two simple words written on it, though the message
they offer is profound.
The words are: Don’t judge. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a bottle by
its appearance: but rather, by what it contains. Don’t judge a human being by only
one aspect of their lives, or by only one choice they have made, or by only the one
mistake they have committed. Be kind in your judgement of others.
As a rabbi, sometimes that is the greatest expression of kindness I can offer to others.
As our tradition reminds us, sometimes the best thing to do is to “Shev v’al taaseh”:
To sit and listen and to say and do nothing.
Frank: Clearly Mark, your words regarding kindness are words of wisdom and
words we need to embrace in our dealings with others. While there are many
examples that come to mind how kindness resulted in repair of the world, I am
particularly fascinated by the story of the Meharry brothers and how they repaid an
act of kindness shown to them by a family of newly freed slaves.
When two white brothers’ wagon broke down in the deep south, two
former slaves, turned sharecroppers, took them into their homes, and repaired their
wagon, enabling them to continue their travels through the south selling their wares.
The Meharry brothers never forgot the kindness shown to them in their time of
need. Years later in 1876, having made their fortune, they decided to fund a
Medical School in Nashville, Tennessee for blacks, who at that time were not allowed
to enter medical schools because of their race. The establishment of Meharry
Medical School was the first medical school specifically created for training black
doctors. To this day, due to one small act of kindness, Meharry Medical School
remains vital in bringing thousands of black men and women into the field of
medicine.
Yes, kindness can repair the world. The examples of Rebecca and the Meharry brothers are clear examples of this saying. All of us need to think of kindness as one of our most important intentional behaviors when interacting with our family, friends and even strangers.
Rabbi Mark Schiftan can be reached at mschiftan@aol.com
Dr. Frank Boehm can be reached at frank.boehm@vumc.org
