An estimated 6.3 million children in the United States will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18. That’s according to the National Alliance for Children’s Grief. Tennessee ranks fifth in the nation, with one in nine children affected by these losses, and that means the state’s teachers must deal with grieving children on a regular basis, but many lack the training and resources to help.
Akiva School is doing its part to prepare teachers who will likely have students dealing with the loss of a parent, sibling, grandparent, or be facing serious life changes like divorce or family illness. The school’s teachers participated in a training created by the Grief-Sensitive Schools Initiative, sponsored by New York Life and designed to equip educators to care for grieving students.
Rabba Daniella Pressner, Akiva head of school, says the program was the right fit for her staff. “Jewish life situates us in a unique space to be able to address grief with our kids. Whether it’s a commemoration for Yom Hashoah or Yom Hazikaron where we have this transfer from one day with Israel’s Memorial Day and the next day with Israel’s independence, they understand there is a cadence to Jewish life that provides structure.” She says there is also an understanding among the teachers and parents so there is already what she says is a built-in response to grief.
The training was conducted by Kristin Keiper-Berneman, a school counselor in Metro Nashville Public Schools and an Akiva parent. She says while researching continuing education programs she found the grant-based program designed for any accredited k-12 school. There is one required presentation from the New York Life Foundation for at least five staff members, and a commitment to provide one professional development class for the staff annually. The process results in being designated as a grief sensitive school, and an accompanying $500 grant.
Keiper-Berneman says she felt the straight forward process would go a long way toward addressing the incidents of childhood bereavement in the state. She says she believes the high number is the result of three main issues. “We have some state gun laws. I know that especially more in the eastern side of our state the opioid crisis was really tough. And we have patches of really rural areas, so health care is less accessible.”
The training consists of three modules the teachers access virtually. It includes learning to understand the students’ experience with grieving, practical suggestions about how to initiate conversations with students, and information about how to manage available resources.
Ellen Haber is a kindergarten teacher at Akiva and participated in the training. She says initially, she found it helpful when Keiper-Berneman acknowledged the subject is often difficult to discuss. “I felt very put at ease with the way she set expectations for the time we would spend together and that it wasn’t going to be morose or mobid.”
Haber says she was pleased the focus was on helping the students. And while the sobering statistics do not exactly fit with Akiva’s demographics, the students do deal regularly with loss. “All of this is in the shadow of the Covenant shooting and the general awareness of violence, especially gun violence, in the world. This just really hits close to home.”
Karlin Edwards is the guidance counselor at Akiva. She also participated in the training and says she was impressed with the straightforward approach to talking about the subject. “Something I learned about was the language. Just not beating around the bush saying, ‘he passed,’ or, ‘he went over the rainbow.’ Nope just saying, ‘he’s dead.’” She said a fellow teacher reported it was helpful with her own daughter when their family dog recently died. “She said it seemed like she accepted it.”
Mental health professionals say training teachers and school staff to help students deal with grief provides important resources for families. Toni Jacobsen is the clinical director at Jewish Family Service of Nashville and Middle Tennessee. She says supporting children during difficult times can provide inroads into helping the entire family. “It’s another objective adult looking and caring for children. Because if that child has grief, then you know the family does too. That child is not isolated in their grief.” She says the grief could take the form of divorce, a move, or the loss of a childhood home. “This is just another layer of protection for that child.”
Jacobsen also says programs like this helps the staff deal with their own grief. “Through training the school staff to recognize and support grieving children, they will be able to apply the same concepts to each other as colleagues which results in a more supportive work environment for everyone.”
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Parents say Akiva’s approach to the grieving process is part and parcel of what sets it apart from other schools. Rabbi Laurie Rice of Congregation Micah, says, “One of the reasons we chose to send our kids to Akiva is because they would graduate with ‘values competency.’ The idea of kindness and compassion and reaching out to others in need. Those were things they would be educated in. That’s what I think the Jewish piece of the Jewish school brings.”
Rabbi Rice also says creating a school culture that is comfortable with death and the grief process is also core to Jewish tradition. “We want to normalize death as part of the cycle of life. Judaism does not try to do anything other than that.” She says it is a western concept to fear and fight death. “That’s not Judaism’s imperative.”
