I would be remiss to even think of writing this month’s reflections, I mean kvetches, without first sending a loving virtual hug to Dear Esther for so generously dedicating her valuable Observer realty to indulge my musings last month. I so appreciate her insight, clarity, knowing she has my back, and of course, her shout out to all available men, the extroverts at least, to look my way.
It seems as far as this past month went, they must have all be taken or looking somewhere else. So, what was I to do, but turn my attention towards shopping. Before you know it, I was standing in front of my favorite cash register at UAL (if you don’t know that shop, make yourself acquainted ladies and gents) ringing up two great finds. And in a moment of feeling pretty darn happy with the new bathing suit I landed, I proudly posted a swimming pool selfie on my social media Facebook story. Mind you, nothing racy or anything to that end. Just a happy in the pool headshot with a little peak revealing the top of the cool one shoulder star print suit I confidently wore.
When it comes to social media posting, I’ve learned lighting is everything and for a woman in a bathing suit it’s even more true. Because let me tell you, I had over 500 views in no time. And no, it wasn’t just men. Women tend to appreciate a good suit. I mean, I know I do. I can’t help but think the men were hoping for a more extensive view but were curious enough to have a look. And yes, the lighting took years off my face along with tilting my head up, erasing any wrinkles created by all those years of tanning. Funny how the thing that created the wrinkles in the first place could also illusion them away. If only I could stay in that position and lighting forever. All that to say, an unknown male, “friend,” on my Facebook page started chatting me up. I tend to have a lot of, “friends,” on Facebook from my work curating and promoting the art galleries at the Gordon JCC. I realized pretty quickly I had no idea who this person was. Still, I decided to cautiously reply and see where this was going. In the first few sentences he mentioned boating. In no time at all he mentioned he had boats. Plural. I love boats, though I’m not sure why someone would want more than one. I caught the drift, so to speak, of someone trying to impress me.
Now it just happened, only a few days earlier, in the said pool, condo pool that is, where I took the selfie that started this whole story, I was chatting with some neighbors about how I wished I could be on a boat this summer. So, when Facebook boat man started chatting me up, I thought this might be divine destiny or at least the universe throwing a little answered prayer my way, if that’s how it works, which of course, I have no idea how it works, even after all these years. To me, it is all basically one big mystery I work on daily giving myself over to.
One thing, however that I do know works, is listening to your mother at five years old when she scares the heebie-jeeibes out of you with terrifying stories about taking candy from a stranger. Which of course any five year old would want to do. Candy is candy. And on a hot summer day, boats are boats. And nice looking boats are even better. So when Facebook boat man quickly invited me on his boat, all I could think of was my mother’s scare tactics to teach a five year old a life lesson, and of course, Natalie Wood. Now, if any of you readers out there are under 60, and I certainly hope there are some Kvetch readers out there under 60, though so far, all the people who tell me they love my column each month, (to which I am so appreciative beyond words), appear to be people I know hovering around 60, you will know what I mean when I say Natalie Woods. For the younger crowd, just google Natalie Woods, and you will know why I so graciously replied to Facebook boat man, “I’d prefer to meet for coffee first.” And guess what!?! He never replied with a date to meet for coffee. And in one fell swoop my terrifying heebie-jeebies was confirmed, and so was my Natalie Woods vision. So, while I may be a bit disappointed, though clearly relieved to think I dodged a bullet, or in this case, woman overboard, I have decided to cheerfully turn my gaze, not towards bathing suit shopping, but towards my first trip to NYC since the pandemic started. And, as far as I can tell, the only boat I’ll be stepping foot on, for now at least, is the Staten Island Ferry.